Landmarks to watch for

Anytime one voyages into new territory, it's often a good idea to learn a little about the road ahead. With so many interesting cities between Milwaukee and Denver, I thought I'd break down some of the possible stopping points, focusing primarily on the urban metropolisis (there are so many!) on the voyage.

Allegedly, The Mechanic is already plotting an alternate route from the Google Maps proposition, so this may not be an accurate list. But assuming the chosen path is a good one, I have embarked to describe each of the superb landmarks between the two locations. Using the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, I am also blending this analysis with one of my favorite games, Two Truths and a Lie.

Considering the gas mileage in an RV,
this could be our first stop.

Elkhorn, WI (mile marker 47). In the early 19th century, Colonel Samuel Phoenix spotted a rack of elk antlers in a tree and continued to proclaim the area as "Elk Horn." Phoenix's great, great, great, great, great grandson, Joaquin Phoenix, once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Elkhorn has been known as the nation's "Christmas Card Town" since the city has been placing unique Christmas decorations around its center since before World War II. This tradition of being the "Christmas Card Town" is celebrated and noted every year with the oil paintings done by local artist Jan Castle Reed.

I've been traded to RAY-seen!

Rockford, IL (mile 94). During the 1940s the Rockford Peaches of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League won four championships, but they did not reach the championship final in 1943, as was depicted in feature film "A League of Their Own." In 1979, construction began on the MetroCentre, a 10,000 seat multi-purpose arena located on the west side of downtown, now nicknamed the Big Orange Box because of its monochromatic appearance. Several major bands, all under the incorrect assumption that there must be more than one city in the state of Illinois, have played at the MetroCentre.

Iowa City, IA (mile 263). Iowa City was created by an act of Legislative Assembly of the Iowa Territory on January 21, 1839, fulfilling the desire of Governor Robert Lucas to move the capital out of Burlington and closer to the center of the territory. The 134-year-old Saint Patrick's Catholic Church was heavily damaged only minutes after Holy Thursday Mass by tornadoes in 2006, with most of its roof destroyed. The building was ruled a total loss and has since been demolished. As a result, Iowa City does not celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

Phoebe loves Des Moines

Des Moines, IA (mile 374). Because Des Moines translates in French to "of the monks," the city has a widespread fascination with The Monkees, particularly 1966 debut single "Last Train to Clarksville." Further evidence of this reality is the presence of the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, which was established as a scientific research facility with a 230-acre campus housing bonobos and orangutans for the noninvasive interdisciplinary study of their cognitive and communicative capabilities. Adventureland Park, in neighboring Altoona, boasts more than 100 rides and attractions, including a series of roller coasters that Michigan Left will quickly dismiss as "not as good as Cedar Point."

We will not be driving over this bridge.

Omaha, Neb. (mile 509). Omaha was a stopping point for settlers and prospectors heading west, either overland or via the Missouri River. The Steamboat Bertrand sank north of Omaha on its way to the goldfields in 1865. Its massive collection of artifacts is on display at the nearby Desoto National Wildlife Refuge. The Bob Kerrey Pedestrian Bridge was opened to foot and bicycle traffic on September 28, 2008. Given that both the bridge and Omaha native Air Force One both embody a fair quotient of badassery, it is assumed that Air Force One has bungy jumped off the Bob Kerrey.

Nebraska's phallic masterpiece.

Lincoln, Neb. (mile 565). The Nebraska State Capitol in Lincoln is the second tallest of the country's capitol building, behind only Louisiana, and no building is allowed to rival the skyscraper (with golden dome on top) in height according to city zoning laws. The International Quilt Study Center and Museum there is home to the largest known public collection of quilts in the world, which is why Lincoln is also the world's leader in grandmas and rocking chairs. The residents actually changed the town's name, from Lancaster, in a ploy to prevent the government from moving the state capital there, believing the confederate-sympathizing population wouldn't stand for a relocation to a city by that name. Haha.

Kearney, Neb. (mile 689). It can be assumed that because the most significant item in Kearney resembles an overpass (the Great Platte River Road Archway Monument, a museum paying tribute to the area's pioneer history), that there is nothing much happenin in K-Town. It also gives me an opportunity to point out that I refuse to use the proper abbreviation of "NE" for Nebraska towns, because that reminds me of the New England Patriots, which I despise.

Buffalo Bill or Richard Daley?

North Platte, Neb. (mile 784). Today, North Platte is served only by freight trains, but during World War II, the city was famous for the North Platte canteen, when thousands of volunteers from the area met the troop trains passing through and offered hospitality. The Buffalo Bill Ranch State Historical Park is located nearby, offering a living history of Buffalo Bill Cody. High crime rates in the 1930s caused the area to be referred to as "Little Chicago," as depicted in the novel "Evil Obsession" by Nellie Snyder Yost. The title has since been revoked, since North Platte does not have buildings.

Sterling, Co. (mile 921). And you thought Nebraska was boring? Sterling is the major shopping hub for most of northeastern Colorado, with stores like Wal-Mart, The Home Depot and JC Penney. There are no more truths available, so I won't even offer a lie.

Unverified proof of The Bruce's
existence. Photographer unknown.

Monument, Co. (mile 1,096). Pat Garrity, an NBA player who was made famous as the other guy in the draft-day trade that swapped Dirk Nowitzki to the Dallas Mavericks and sent Robert Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks, is native of Monument. Monument Creek is a gentle mountain stream beginning in the Rampart Range. It eventually tumbles down through Palmer Lake and through the west side of Monument to become one of the main waterways flowing through Colorado Springs. The Bruce can be spied near these waters, foraging. It is my belief that we will find The Bruce. And we will learn his ways.